Yeah, it's a mish-mash of a title concept, but so was at least one of these movies. Let's start with the good-ish news: HITCHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, then move back in time to the golden age of the Crusades with KINGDOM OF HEAVEN. Unlike many people, I've never read the Douglas Adams book or books nor have I ever seen some TV show that's been mentioned as based on said books. Basically, when I saw the coming attraction for the first time and my movie pal J said "42," I had no idea what he meant. Luckily the movie came out and now I DO know what he meant. No, I"m not going to tell you. What I will tell you is that it won't kill you, and may very well amuse you, to see this wry little movie and find out for yourself.
The action takes place on a day when a schlubby guy who thinks he's just met the world's neatest girl wanders out of his house to find a construction crew about to tear it down for a highway. At the same time, his best friend shows up and tells him it's time to go. And when he says go, he means, GO!, just barely beaming them aboard a passing space ship as the Earth explodes. Sad, perhaps, but the start of an amazing adventure that sends the unlikely duo careening around the universe -- the schlub in his pajamas -- meeting various oddballs, incompetent bureaucratic aliens, and searching for a good cup of tea. Did I mention the schlub lived in England? Yes, well, that explains the tea, the pajamas, and the movie's sensibility. HITCHIKER'S GUIDE has its charm, especially if you're a fan of the absurd, silly-but-intelligent, slightly put off, dry English humor on display in various Monty Python sketches and the BBC version of What Not to Wear. What saves it from complete silliness is the sweet, simple message to which all that galaxy-schlepping leads: what, after all, gives life meaning? And can you find it closer than Alpha Centauri? Don't look at me, I'm not going to tell you.
On the sweeping historical background of the Second Crusade, KINGDOM OF HEAVEN paints the smaller story of one man's battle to do the right thing by his fellow men. Oh, and to have an affair with the married princess. Hey, nobody's perfect. Anyway, this pedantic action story follows the humble blacksmith Balian (Orlando Bloom) as he becomes a knight (sooo much easier in those days than today's sucking up to Queen Elizabeth would suggest) and sets off on a Crusade to the Holy Land sometime around 900 AD. Surprising absolutely no one with access to Fox News, when he arrives in the Middle East, it's a frickinā€™ mess. You've got your Christian king (who wears an eerie silver mask to hide his leprosy) in charge of Jerusalem and the Muslim leader Saladin in charge of the rest of the Holy Land. You've got the king's pretty green-eyed sister (Eva Green) who dallies with Orlando though she is married to the (surprise!) treacherous French count/general/whatever. You've got people on all sides urging those in charge to upset the delicate balance that the king and Saladin have maintained because, this being the Middle East even 1100 damn years ago, that balance of power annoys people who believe the Holy Land should belong to them and not be shared. Oy. And you've got Balian, sworn to protect the king and Jerusalem. Anyway, I didn't believe I'd ever say this, but KINGDOM needed more exposition to help the contemporary viewer keep the motives of the various parties straight. After a short while, all the competing interests became just one big colorful day in the New York Times' International section. Despite the sweeping battle scenes, beautifully recreated Jerusalem, gorgeous interior sets that look like they're lined with blue and white Turkish Iznik tiles, and the fabulous outfits, beautiful horses, camels, and awesome tents of the movie's Muslims, ultimately the movie was boring.
And part of that rests on the movie's real disappointment, Orlando Bloom's Balian. Here was a man who had to inspire the far outnumbered men walled into Jerusalem to fight -- probably to the death -- to defend the innocent. I mean, while I had no trouble believing that he could inspire the princess to dally with him, there wasn't a chance in Haifa that he'd get those men into battle. Bloom is just not a guy you'd follow; he's no Clive-Owen-as-King-Arthur, if you know what I mean, and he was better cast in TROY as the feckless Paris. The other actors hold up well, but Balian's weakness leaves a pretty gaping hole at the story's heart.