Good thing we all studied the Greek alphabet in college (TKE, any one?), because the last few months have brought a jumble of Greek letters in movie titles. And the winners are: ALEXANDER (most pretentiously worst movie of 2004) and ELEKTRA.
Once upon a time in a city-state far, far way (from Los Angeles anyway), there lived a young man who became king at age 20 and set out to conquer the world he knew and acquaint the world he didn't yet know with the ways of his civilization. He was proud, and a brilliant strategist, and occasionally brutal, and possibly partially mentally ill and a drunk, and least interestingly of all, probably gay. Before he died at age 33, he had spread Greek civilization across Egypt, Iraq, Persia, Bactria, Afghanistan, really all the Stans that made up the southern tier of the Soviet Union, and into freaking India. In short, he changed the world. He, of course, was Alexander the Great.
At least that's the way it was on the Biography channel show, which was really only so-so and left me looking forward to Oliver Stone's ALEXANDER, because in the past Stone has delivered some really true docudrama looks at controversial subjects, like the crazy New Orleans cop who had the inside scoop on JFK. Right? I mean, you agree, don't you?
So off I go to see ALEXANDER, and I'm shocked to learn that his mother was a snake-loving freak, his father was a 1-eyed concubine-loving freak, and he himself grew up to spend a lot of time partying and making goo-goo eyes at his best friend Hephaistion and random eunuchs, married a barbarian but they didn't spawn until it was too late, had various unattractive blonde hair looks, and died (or was poisoned) after a rocking bacchanal that also involved a mini Mutiny on the Babylon. Yeah, that's right. This movie isn't Alexander the Great, it's Alexander the Party Dog who Conquered the World Between Hangovers!
The movie divides its time (and there's lots of it) between Egypt, of all places, and flashbacks to Alexander's exploits. In Alexandria (get it? That's the library over there past the balcony) many years after Alexander's death, Ptolemy (mumbling Anthony Hopkins) exposits all the important stuff about Alexander's family history and rule. This set up, undoubtedly intended to help fill in the tedious details of conquering the world, slaying the Thebans, dispelling doubts about his paternity, and spreading Greek civilization that would consume hours of screen time, had the unintentional effect of making me wonder why Ptolemy was in Egypt. Because in all the blah-blah, I don't think he ever mentions the brilliantly obsessive way Alexander went about conquering those pyramid-lovin' folks (you can look it up, but I'll say it involved an island and a bridge). Also, in all these scenes, I was distracted by the 2 hunky scribes -- one scribbling away on a papyrus and the other chasing him with an inkwell -- who may have just wandered over from the buffet at LUXOR.
The live action fades in on Alexander's childhood at the court of his father, Philip of Macedonia (Val Kilmer), what with the lectures from Aristotle, the roughhousing among boys, and the decidedly improper relationship between little Al and his mom, the truly fabulously over-the-top Olympias (the truly fabulously camp Angelina Jolie), who since he was a wee pup, had drilled Alexander in his greatness and basked in the reflected glory of having spawned him. On the side, she practices some sort of witchcraft, swears that Alexander was variously fathered by Zeus or Dionysus or both, wears a lot of gold and eye shadow, and vamps with creepy snakes. She is the best thing in this whole damn movie.
Soon teen Alexander (Colin Farrell), moping around the palace resenting both his parents and feeling a little creeped out by mom's shenanigans, becomes king when Philip ends up murdered, probably at Olympias' bidding. Alexander is shocked, shocked I tell you, but quickly takes over and goes on to massacre said Thebans to establish his power and rule. From here, Alexander's exploits unfold, as he gets rowdier and more powerful with each additional blonde hair extension. We get to see a couple of big battles - some with camels, some with elephants - and Alexander's wonder at the hanging gardens of Babylon; Alexander's eyeballing some beautiful eunuch; Alexander defeating Darius at Gaugamela; Alexander marrying the Bactrian (Rosario Dawson); Alexander hugging his one true love, the warrior Hephaistion (Jared Leto); Alexander drinking and brawling; and Alexander sporting a fur wrap atop the Himalayas. Sadly, despite all of this spectacle, I was still bored. And don't even get me started on why all the Greeks had Irish or English accents while Olympias worked up some faux-Romanian accent.
The problem is that after 3 hours, I still walked out without a feeling about WHY Alexander was great. I'm not sure how one captures on film the spirit of a man like Alexander, part genius, part madman, part lost soul, but Stone sure misses the caravan. He gets caught up in the trappings of greatness and misses the source. The movie spends too much time on the social man and not enough on the political man. It doesn't help that Farrell is a bit wooden (and the hair? Worse than Donald Trump's!) and Jolie is so camp that only Cher on tour would've made a better Olympias. Worse, the movie dances around Alexander's relationship with Hephaistion, who clearly was the one person on earth with whom Alexander felt close and comfortable. Were they lovers? Who cares? Rather than treat their love straightforwardly, Stone gives us moony looks of unrequited love that cheapen the real sentiment between the men. And rather than focus on Alexander's brilliance, Stone choose to tell us the brilliance and show us the party. Admittedly, brilliance isn't as colorful as a full-blown bacchanal complete with girl and boy strippers, buggery, and gallons of wine, but where's the perspective?
Back in the present, our Greek gal of the week is ELEKTRA, a super assassin-for-hire who dons a cheeky red leatherette/satin outfit for work. I'm guessing because it helps her to blend in with the crowd. I think she's based on a comic book character, which would explain a lot. At any rate, little Elektra (Jennifer Garner) has ice around her heart since her mother died, she learned martial arts, she got killed in the movie DAREDEVIL (right before it killed Ben Affleck's career), and was revived by Terrence Stamp. She was tough to handle, she got kicked out of the dojo, and now she's a well-paid killer with a dry sense of humor. She meets cute with Goran Visnic and his precocious tween, then finds out she's supposed to kill them. What? Of course she doesn't. Why would you ask? So then some crazy Asian killer gang with weird evil superpowers decides to do the job for her. Much well choreographed fighting ensues and guess what? Elektra's heart might melt. This movie made about as much sense as the red assassin outfit, but Jennifer Garner with lovely hair extensions rocked the fight scenes and the looking pretty and serious in normal clothes scenes, just as she does every week on ALIAS. (And can I say that ALIAS is back and better than it's been in a long time? Thanks, JJ!) I can't help but think Jennifer is every mother's dream date for her son; she's adorable, but also sexy, and could kick the little bugger's butt if he needed it. Meanwhile, my message to Jen is this: enough with the karate and kicking and the killing - time to get some new roles and leave the supergirl stuff for Wednesday nights.