Okay, not really, but you get the idea. How could a movie centered on, led by, and full of Jude Law be so awful? I can only say that it would have been better with no sound, and, in fact, that's not a bad idea for a rental if when it becomes available - sooner rather than later, I'm sure - you need some plasma flat screen wallpaper.
In this remake of a 60s story, Alfie (Jude Law) is an almost-30 chauffeur with fellow-chauffeur best friend, extreme metrosexual taste (the notable exception being his total dump of a studio apartment), a single-mom regular "date," at least one "customer" who he services weekly because her husband ignores her (imagine that!), and a hankering to meet apparently every reasonably attractive woman in New York. We have to assume that the back-seat gal (Ally McBeal's Jane Krakowski) is representative of Alfie's extracurricular activities: fun until she expresses a real interest in him, then casually dumped. The single mom (Marisa Tomei) is another type: a regular date whose company Alfie enjoys and whose kid he cares about, but not enough to respect her needs or desire for honesty. She wises up, but before Alfie spends a weekend alone, a young party girl (Sienna Miller) comes along to brighten his holidays. She's great until about January 3rd, but a bit moody or on drugs or likes him too much or is too skinny or who cares? Of course, even though she's, like 22 and pretty, he has to find yet another gal, and this time it's a mature woman in the form of the cosmetics company owner (Susan Sarandon). Did I mention the one-night stand with his best friend's fiance? Are you beginning to see why there's no way that Alfie can be liked or even grudgingly admired? Anyway, Alfie buys flowers, someone's pregnant, blah blah, Alfie goes to work with colorful Asian boss, blah, old broad "hurt" his teeny weeny feelings, blah, penile cancer scare (no, really, I'm not kidding), why poor little me, blah blah blah, what's it all about, and blah. Yeah, that's what I remember. After a while, I just looked at Jude and covered my ears.
I just keep wondering whether at some point the director (man) and producer (man) and screenwriters (man/woman) thought wow, cute idea, the life of a player... Because I think guys somehow respect that, but all the movie did was show how those types of people leave a trail of wreckage through their lives and don't ever really seem to be affected by it. And sure enough, somehow at the end Alfie gives a little speech about how he was so straightforward and they took it the wrong the way, and it's not his fault, and tomorrow's another day, and there are more women to meet... And you wanted to say, waaaa waaa SHUT UP you moron.
Seriously, several years ago yours truly wrote a comedy about 4 women who are variously involved with the same guy. It was told through their points of view, and one of the most common suggestions I received for rewriting was to retell it with the guy as the main character. I didn't do it then, because it wasn't his story. And ALFIE shows exactly why it would have been a bad idea: guys like my character and ALFIE himself just aren't sympathetic characters, even embodied by Jude Law, and who could be more handsome or charming? From the groans echoing throughout the theater, it seemed the whole audience was one more voiceover away from getting up to give him a good slapping.
Speaking of the voiceovers: on top of the bad concept came horrible execution. The movie depends heavily on Alfie delivering a running commentary to the audience, which is lazy on the one hand, but on the other hand made me wish they had just put on screen still photos of Jude in various poses with the running monologue of what was going on in Alfie's teeny tiny brain (oh, wait, there actually was a part like that, no kidding).
A friend today asked how ALFIE as a rogue stacked up against the guy played by Hugh Grant in ABOUT A BOY. The thing with ABOUT A BOY was the guy had a heart, and you knew that even when he was acting most piggish. He had a critical awareness of his charms and failings (and a really fabulous flat). In ALFIE, the existence of a heart is randomly suggested, but you're never convinced, and so you're left with Alfie, lacking self-awareness, putting on the Gucci in his frat-house apartment, heading out to con not only the world, but himself as well. Ick.